Views of the countryside from the train
Well, well, well, here we are in the MAINLAND.
After only 15 minutes on a bullet train, I very anticlimactically crossed the border of Hong Kong into mainland China. Nothing necessarily looked different, nor did it feel different, a reminder of how made up borders are despite them wielding such serious consequences. Generally, the idea of "borders'' and "nations'' has been on my mind a lot. There was a scene in a show I watched recently where one of the main characters said "just because you stick a flag in something doesn't mean it's yours." Whether that refers to white supremacy and colonization, or the requirement for nations to create singular national identities whether explicitly or implicitly outlined or the many other contexts that can be applied here, I am always reminded of how nowhere seems to be untouched from very interconnected themes in this regard. Anywayssssss.....
Not so grand entrance
Despite feeling relatively the same in my first moments in China, the further into the train ride, the more I felt relieved. Internally I was screaming, and finally allowing myself to fully feel excitement. For the months leading up to this trip, many people rightfully asked how I was feeling. Was I excited? Why was I going? What do I think it will feel like? In regards to the feelings part, I had shared with a coworker friend before I left that I really have no feelings, for lack of a better term. I did not want to think about it, not in the way of suppressing anything, but more in the way of just not wanting to have expectations. Expectations of a proverbial "grand reunion" or "reconnected" or "aha moment" and not wanting expectations of the opposite. I wanted to focus all my energies prior to being here on logistics and planning, as opposed to setting any expectation for what things would feel like or any deep thoughts on being in a place I haven’t been since birth, but has shaped so much for me. Avoiding any high highs, or low lows that would result from reality confronting months of built up expectations was a very high priority for me. I wanted the present feelings and happenings to be informed by the present and processed in the present, not by some self-pathologization I had set myself up for prior to even being in the moment. All that to say, this first part of my China travels is me being mostly a tourist, traveling to a few different places outside of my birth province, before hitting my proper motherland, where I am spending most of my time.
A mish mash of reflections and happenings of my first 2 weeks: Putian, Taining, Wuyishan, and Wangxian Valley
- Understanding how to get all the apps and digital payments to work as a non-national is truly a mystery to me. The cashless world has my brain in knots even as someone who was technically “raised by the internet.” I find it funny when I hand people cash and they look confused.
- I’m not sure why I have not thought to do this before, but I translated my Chinese name and found out my surname means tall mountain and my first name means pearl of the family, also apparently my first name is gender neutral, slayyyyyy
- Hiking to many peaks, where you quite literally just climb up stairs carved out of the face of the mountain, my fear of heights has truly been tested, but I'll never let myself miss out on a hike or good view because of it
- my first day in China I woke up, and my hair looked perfectly styled on the wake up, nature is healing?????
- While staying in Taining there were many trees where people would pick Chinese bayberries which are so so so delicious and apparently expel free radicals from your body (sounds like a good thing?) among so many other health benefits, I hope to find them in the U.S. although I'm not very hopeful
- On my tombstone when I die you can put “ate well.” Since I am in more small town settings I have learned that most restaurants are referred to as farm house restaurants. Instead of having a menu, you will be brought either to a room or a cooler full of produce, meat, tofu, where you can pick as many things as you'd like and each item is made into a meal. I'm assuming that locals can ask or know what their choice of produce/meat will be made into but I've been enjoying the surprise of this process. All the options as aforementioned are FARM FRESH coming from local farms/family farms of the restaurant owners. I'm going to miss this so much when I leave the countryside for the city in a few days. It will never not surprise me how normal this is for so many places outside of the U.S. but even in more rural places in the U.S. locally grown farm fresh food can be so inaccessible!! (boooooo) I long for the days when we can deprivatize land and return to living with and building relationships of mutuality with the lands we live on/occupy.
- While staying in Wuyishan, the birthplace of Oolong AND Black tea, the host of my bnb invited me to a performance in her village. There was traditional song, dance, and attire, mixed with an enthusiastic emcee, and some current artists that I assume are popular or famous in this town. While watching the performance I couldn't help but feel really emotional, like holding back tears type emotion. It felt emotional in the same way that Coco makes me cry. I think anytime I see culture that is so deeply rooted in community, other people and place, it hits a chord for me because I'm not able to have that/understand that connection in the same way as these two examples, but I can feel the power that comes from it. Not to make it a "I will never have that'' sob story, because that's not what I mean. For me, it truly is what it is, and I experience community completely differently just due to being from a diasporic experience where culture and tradition from my country of origin are not passed down to me, instead, it is learned and brought into my life, often heavily “remixed” by my own volition. And much of the community I build is with others who also have histories of migration that lead to us to having overlapping values and create spaces where our differences are strengthening, which I think can be just as beautiful.
- And now a moment to explain the title for this post which is exactly what I think in my head everytime someone here reads me as mainland Chinese and able to speak Mandarin. Let's just say that I have shocked MANY locals lol
- To piggyback off this, while in Hong Kong I watched a movie called Return to Seoul that my friend recommended that is about a French Korean adoptee who unexpectedly goes to Korea for the first time, and also unexpectedly starts a journey to reconnect to her birth parents. After watching how absolutely amazing this movie was, I read an interview with the director who talked about the idea of people with double origins who decide to go back to their country of origin with expectations of "finding themselves." His words resonated very deeply with me because he talks about this expectation to “find oneself while visiting their country of origin” as very dangerous. One can actually end up with more questions than answers, have to confront themselves in ways that can be very daunting but demands attention, and demands someone with double origins to be open to what they weren't looking for. To not lose oneself, especially in this need to “find oneself,” as he talks about, is what is perhaps most important to focus on when one is going back to their country of origin after a long period of time. Yes to all of this!!! And honestly I'd love to see more of this nuance reflected in such experiences, because the narrative of "going back," "reunion," and the romanticized journey of finding one's birth parents as the only solution to any sort of identity crisis a transnational adoptee experiences has me feeling TIRED. It tucks me right into bed, no melatonin or sleepy time tea needed. And it is exactly the reason why I felt so strongly about not setting expectations for myself prior to embarking on this trip. To tie this back into the language and confusion around my being in China, I think there was a time in the past where I was still processing a lot of anger and resentment and grief surrounding my adoption that led me to fall into the "finding myself" trap and where I certainly would have perished under things like being judged for not speaking Chinese. But I feel like I finally decided it felt right to go to China because I felt affirmed enough in who I am and like I had a strong enough foundation for all the unknown I may be confronted with, all the questions and areas of tension that will naturally arise, even without knowing entirely what they will be. I stand really firmly in the belief that Chinese people are not a monolith, and I am evidence that being Chinese is not just one experience. Shit happens that is out of our control, yet we still have connections, histories, and lineages that create belonging amidst rupture. Only time will tell if the foundation I feel I have at this point in time is strong enough LOL.
- Alas, the elephant in the room. Internet troubles have led to this post being sooooooooo long delayed. And these troubles were making me feel so down about being semi-limited in how I can connect to others. While I am on a solo- journey, I find myself still very much connected with the world, and I really am trying to be conscious about building community and doing the work I want to be doing and not fall into the trap of signing off from life that traveling can sometimes facilitate. Regardless of where I am I still find the same themes following me in different fonts, and I'm still trying to make sense of so much violence and pain re: Congo, Palestine, and Sudan. So these troubles were tough. I have been trying as best as I can to prioritize and remain determined to be in community, so that I don't get lost in the hopeless spiral and can be more motivated to continue to work towards action.
Can I get a woooooooooooo for being back?!?! Thank you for once again making it to the end of one of my blogs, hope to see you at the next one! And special shoutout to those who were committed to getting my blog posts back to schedule!!! It made me realize how much joy this blog has brought me and it makes me happy that it can bring people in my life similar joy!
Mazu Island, Putian
The Grand Canyon of Taining
Chinese Bayberries
Local Opera in Wuyishan
Eating good always
Wangxian Valley Nightscape
(click on photogrid to see without distortion)